You have such a pretty face.

How many times have we heard that one. Like they say, "If I had a nickel for every time I have heard that." In our case maybe it should be, "If I could lose a pound every time I hear that." I remember feeling ostracized at a very young age. My cousin was getting married and my little sister was to be the flower girl. She was refusing to walk down the aisle so I turned to my Mom and said, "I'll do it." My Mom looked at me and said, "They don't want you." Four simple little words that radiated in a five year old's mind. To me, they did not want me because I was fat. That may not have been the reason. I don't know. As most fat little girls we were teased by the other kids. Sometimes even by adults. My first grade gym teacher made remarks about me being fat in front of the whole class. We were doing gymnastics and it was my turn to do a 'log roll.' In front of the whole gym class she remarked, "Come on, Karen. You should be really good at this because you are so round and fat." I was so humiliated. I wanted to cry but in my young mind that would just make it worse. She failed me. People talk about low self-esteem and how people should pull themselves up by their bootstraps, stand tall, be proud. I have tried. I know I am a wonderful, caring, giving, compassionate and so on person. I love those things about myself. I work hard to be a good person. Society does not see these good qualities in me. They can not see past my fat. I think most fat people have to work much harder that a normal or average person to be appreciated. We do not have the same chances and opportunities available to us. All around us society lets us know we are ugly, gross, disgusting, etc. So when this is all you hear about your appearance how the hell are we supposed to pull ourselves up by the boot strap and love ourselves. There is a commercial on TV right now for a weight loss pill. It shows pockets of body fat on an animated body while the announcer says 'fat is disgusting.' Those are not the exact words but close to what is implied. Next time I hear the commercial I will get the exact wording in here. Yet I am supposed to love myself even though I am told I am unappealing to all. When I was around 25 I had knee surgery and developed deep vein thrombosis (blood clots) in my right calf. I was waiting for a venogram and was holding my chart. At the time I was a nursing student so I decided I would read my chart. I went to a page with a report from the internist that was treating me. The very first sentence described me as "a grotesquely obese 25 y/o." I was horrified. Imagine what that would do to your self-esteem. My heart sunk. Fat people are human. We have souls. We have feelings. We are even more sensitive in my opinion because we are the butt of jokes, stares, rude comments, bias and prejudice. I hate being fat. I hate living some days. I wish I could barter with God so I could be average, so I could have the same doors open for me that others have available to the. I am tired of people telling me that this is only my imagination. I know what I have encountered in my life time as the girl with 'such a pretty face, if she just wasn't so fat."